It's exactly one year ago today that I met you.
Actually, I'm lying; I don't know who it was that met you that evening outside Wrigley Field; I haven't seen her in ages. I've been thinking about this day for so long, it seems. I've wondered what it would look like, how I would feel, would I even remember? And now that it's here, there is a sense of accomplishment. It's like the universe reminding me- hey, look at what you've done without him! Look at who you are know!
Even when I groaned at my phone the other morning, slowly connecting the dots from the night before (Point A: Shots of Fireball which led to Point B: Texting you at approximately 1:46 am stating "hey.") I wasn't mad at myself. I wasn't thinking about how pathetic I was for reaching out or how surprised I was that you replied and wanted to start a conversation. I was thinking a lot of things, but none of those.
Mostly, I was thinking about how your responses didn't belong to the wonderfully inflated version of you in my head. They belonged to someone I had no feelings for- no pain, no animosity, no longing. Someone with whom I had no connection, no chemistry, and hardly anything to say. It was like Christmas came early.
But you should know: you changed me. Noticeably, and unexpectedly, and in more ways than you'll ever comprehend. All because you built me up to my highest high, then dropped me out of the sky without a parachute in sight. And (without sarcasm) I can't thank you enough for that fall; I wouldn't be the me that I am today without it.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Did I really go to college???
I almost cried at work yesterday, and it wasn't because of my boss or a rude client. It was because I got a text message from my best friend stating “The car’s loaded…and I’m in tears.”
After living together for the better part of 4 years, my best friend and I parted ways, and she left the city to move home; it’s just the latest in a long string of goodbyes I've been saying since graduating college 2 months ago.
I suppose the weirdest thing about college is that you never really believe that it’s going to end. You see your older friends graduate and talk about post-grad life, but you never really understand what’s so peculiar about it until you’re there yourself. It’s this feeling of being left out, especially if you’re like me, with plenty of friends still in school. They’re talking about the drama, the new professor whom no one’s really sure about whether or not they should joke around with, the new policies that are being put into place…and you’re standing there, with nothing to do but listen and grumble about your job when asked about your life.
In a lot of ways, college feels like a detailed, long-form lucid dream. I know that it happened- I’ve got the debt and degrees to prove it- but I also don’t understand how 4 years can be gone before you have a second to even stop and realize it. Maybe it doesn't feel quite real because you leave college as a vastly different version of yourself from when you started.
It’s not that I don’t want to work- I am ecstatic about all of the possible different ways my career could go- but I just don’t feel ready. At 22 years old, you really think you should be paying me a “salary”? I have irrational moments of spontaneity that make me want to bleach my hair, get a hoard of tattoos, and move to Seattle to pursue my “budding” music career (and by budding, I mean that my roommate, mom, and neighbors are my biggest fans). Why on God’s green earth do you think I am capable of sitting at this desk for 5 days a week? Statistically speaking, I’m more likely to just stop showing up for work because I've decided to go on a road trip with my sister and because living in the adult world when you don’t feel like an adult is f@#*ing SCARY. And people tell you it can be a little scary or weird after you graduate but WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?
I think I need to end this post soon or else I’ll just go into anxiety mode and start stress-cleaning my apartment. What I’m saying here is simple, really: there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the inescapable awkwardness of post-grad life. Friends will move away, you might move away, and you might find yourself in a job that was not your first choice. And it’s scary and odd and you wonder how you got to that point in the first place, but one day you realize and start to accept the fact that everything is temporary.
After living together for the better part of 4 years, my best friend and I parted ways, and she left the city to move home; it’s just the latest in a long string of goodbyes I've been saying since graduating college 2 months ago.
I suppose the weirdest thing about college is that you never really believe that it’s going to end. You see your older friends graduate and talk about post-grad life, but you never really understand what’s so peculiar about it until you’re there yourself. It’s this feeling of being left out, especially if you’re like me, with plenty of friends still in school. They’re talking about the drama, the new professor whom no one’s really sure about whether or not they should joke around with, the new policies that are being put into place…and you’re standing there, with nothing to do but listen and grumble about your job when asked about your life.
In a lot of ways, college feels like a detailed, long-form lucid dream. I know that it happened- I’ve got the debt and degrees to prove it- but I also don’t understand how 4 years can be gone before you have a second to even stop and realize it. Maybe it doesn't feel quite real because you leave college as a vastly different version of yourself from when you started.
It’s not that I don’t want to work- I am ecstatic about all of the possible different ways my career could go- but I just don’t feel ready. At 22 years old, you really think you should be paying me a “salary”? I have irrational moments of spontaneity that make me want to bleach my hair, get a hoard of tattoos, and move to Seattle to pursue my “budding” music career (and by budding, I mean that my roommate, mom, and neighbors are my biggest fans). Why on God’s green earth do you think I am capable of sitting at this desk for 5 days a week? Statistically speaking, I’m more likely to just stop showing up for work because I've decided to go on a road trip with my sister and because living in the adult world when you don’t feel like an adult is f@#*ing SCARY. And people tell you it can be a little scary or weird after you graduate but WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?
I think I need to end this post soon or else I’ll just go into anxiety mode and start stress-cleaning my apartment. What I’m saying here is simple, really: there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for the inescapable awkwardness of post-grad life. Friends will move away, you might move away, and you might find yourself in a job that was not your first choice. And it’s scary and odd and you wonder how you got to that point in the first place, but one day you realize and start to accept the fact that everything is temporary.
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