The Importance of Being a Karaoke Queen

I am a self-proclaimed karaoke queen.

Since the day I turned 21, I have been drawn to those bars with good song selections, thirst-quenching beverages, and small stages cast in neon light (there was once a video of that first inebriated performance, which I assure you has been conveniently lost, never to be found and ultimately used against me as social blackmail.)

There is something about karaoke that feels inherently familiar to me. Is it a throwback to my high school years spent in musicals? Perhaps. Is it the sensation akin to singing at the top of my lungs in one of my frequently too-long showers? Probably. The closest feeling I can use as to describe what this this adrenaline-pumping activity gives me is: fearlessness.

On that stage, for a few fleeting minutes, I am fearless. I am an entertainer. I AM CHER IN HER PRIME. I AM PRE-KFED BRITNEY. I don't understand other people's reactions when I suggest hitting up a tacky karaoke joint at some point in the night. The grimace, the quick head shake, the "no no, that's not for me- I'll just watch." What prompts this automatic refusal of fun? Surely, not everyone who says that can hate FUN?! What’s next, hating pizza?! If you hate pizza, you hate America (err...Italy, I guess?) and I can’t be seen with you. I’m lactose intolerant and even I love pizza. Everyone loves pizza, ergo everyone should love fun!

If you don’t hate fun -- which, I’m sure you don’t -- then why cringe at the mention of karaoke? My best guess is you’re scared. You’re petrified that people will judge you for having a few cocktails and belting out some Celine Dion to your heart’s desire. But I’ll let you in on a little secret -- they won’t. And if they do, who cares? That’s their problem -- not yours. If they want to criticize others for having fun, they’re already wasting their time and energy on something that doesn’t affect them. So don’t add to the wastefulness by spending an extra second worrying about it.

As the Karaoke Queen, I’d like to bestow upon you some fool-proof guidelines that will ensure you and your comrades enjoy a night of drama-free karaoke:

1. Never pick a song longer than 3 minutes and 30 seconds (No one wants to sit through your rendition of “Stairway to Heaven”- trust me, you’re not Robert Plant, and there’s a line of people waiting to rock out behind you.)

2. Pick a crowd pleaser -- something you and your friends know all the words to. This is how you truly win over the bar crowd as they inevitably begin singing along.
3. Dare to duet. Sure, everyone has heard “Summer Lovin’” thousands of times, but that doesn't make it any less of a classic!

4. HAVE FUN! Throw in a moonwalk, flip your hair, and rock your invisible Gibson through those musical interludes. People have more fun when they see you having fun; after all, isn't that why we’re here?

Follow these four simple rules and I guarantee that one day, we can all be karaoke royalty. P.S. If you like what I have to say about karaoke, make sure to check out Mindy Kaling's "Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me?"; there's a chapter on karaoke etiquette :)